Burrito breath

Today has been a bit of a chore. I spent a little while cleaning the office. We have tons of just random shit all over the place. I want to basically gouge all the the downstairs room and throw all the spare equipment into the streets. We’d probably have a huge landfill of monitors if I did but that’s okay it would be a testament to the worth of the company.

The head of marketing has gone native and hasn’t been wearing shoes around the office. I wondered if I took off my sneakers for a second at the office if I would catch athlete’s foot.

I have moved my work station. Pros: No one is watching me work. Cons: I am removed from general population.

Lunch was particularly bad today. It was a bunch of mediocre burritos. I am certain they were made at a food delivery start up. 

We’ve been selling some unneeded equipment and it’s been quite the hassle. People get real cut throat about low prices and get super pissed about having prices potentially raised on them… The CEO wants to sell the equipment at market value… I think his problem is he is not looking at the convenience (for me) of the black market.

The office lesbian offered me more money to wear a ball gag… and a tutu… and be shirtless. She said it would be a good supplement to my income. She offered me $10.

I’ve realized that despite all my griping that my company isn’t that bad… yet. I can only hope that we all start having a coke party soon.

Public Shaming

It was my first day in my new position as office manager which essentially means responding to people’s desires for having their asses wiped. The engineer texted me from the bathroom telling me that he was out of toilet paper. I cracked open the door and got a bad wiff of his ass gas and threw a roll of the finest recycled pulp at his head.

Today was snack day and everyone was hitting me up with their eating disorders. Evidently some people like the lemon flavored Pellegrino but not the lime, and the graphic designer wants organic free range buffalo jerky. Which made we wonder if there are even fucking buffalo left!? Also the head of marketing is trying to have all nuts exorcised from the office because of his penis allergy – evidently he is not aware of the sex ratio at work as if all the nuts left there’d be only two other people to work with.

The data analyst brought his dog into work. She’s a little terrier named Giraffe. Why they named her after a long necked animal is just as mysterious to me as it probably is to the rest of the world especially as Giraffe loves fetch. I’ve never seen a wild giraffe play fetch. The data analyst would throw a little ball around and Giraffe would prance after it. The little beasty had a squeaky chew toy that it kept biting into which was intolerably annoying. I will have to passive aggressively make a comment about it to the data analyst.

The feminist data analyst has been using up all the swag at the office. She’ll wear a t shirt or tank top and then return it to the pile once she’s sweat in it a little bit. She doesn’t remove the tags so it’s hard to discern by sight which shirts she has worn. The office lesbian was wearing a swag shirt. I wonder if she’s into sharing body sweat with the feminist data analyst – maybe it’s a new kink in SF?

The office lesbian was very happy today as she got to attend the Pride parade yesterday. She spent several hours at the leather shop finding a great vest to complement her motorcycle ride at the front of the march. The feminist data analyst along with others, including myself, “helped” her purchase her vest. While she tried on different dead heifer garb we played around with ball gags. I put a ball gag in my mouth and the feminist data analyst slapped me. That was a bit of a bummer but then the lesbian paid me to wear the ball gag for a few blocks. I made $5! Evidently the cost to humiliate me is cheap.

Champagne Communism

The day started off with a contractor coming in and asking for the CEO. I offered to walk him upstairs. He decided he would walk himself and brushed me aside brusquely. When queried as to his weaknesses in a phone interview he replied in a Russian accent “I have none.” Evidently being impolite is not a weakness.

It was our company lunch today and a few of us went to get salad. The graphic designer walked excessively fast and I believe was embarrassed by our poor attire. His friend group is mainly composed of people from ren faire so since none of us were dressed up in medieval attire he wanted to dump us. He excused his fast pace by saying that if you walk at an “appropriate speed” you can walk through every block without hitting a “stop walking” sign. Ren Faire’s don’t have stop walking signs nor do they have intersections.

At lunch the feminist data analyst revealed that it was her birthday. She is now 23 years old and one day. When I began to sing “Happy Birthday” to her she started looking at me excessively googly eyed. She tilted her head to the side and pursed her lips. It made me very uncomfortable. I closed my eyes and finished the song. I wish we had HR.

I spent most of the day cleaning off old equipment. Who knew that the silicon valley needed custodians and maids? I thought there was an app for that.

On leaving for the day I saw that we had a few bottles of chilled champagne in the fridge. I grabbed one and walked around the corner. Two homebums sat on the sidewalk. “You want some champagne,” I asked. “Really! Sure,” replied the shirtless man whose nails were painted the same color as the champagne bottle. I gave them the bottle. “Oh how are we supposed to open it?” “Oh it’s a twist off. Here I’ll do it.” I took the bottle back and opened it up. I realized that it was not champagne –instead it was a Californian Brut. I apologized. Poverty is disgusting but confusing a Brut with a Champagne that is the height of bankruptcy.

The Effects of Sleeping Pills

I came back to work and several people have gone missing. Tech Dad has left abandoning us like thousands of fathers abandon their children every year– and right after Father’s Day hmph! Who will guide us in our ability to be nice to each other? How will we hone our passive aggressiveness without the passiveness?

This of course hasn’t affected morale here at the workplace, as there are hardly any people for the company’s morale to impact. Nevertheless Tech Dad will be missed.

Speaking of missing the backend engineer has flown the coop too. Evidently he got a job at a onesie manufacturer. They need help building out the backend of their suits. No more bare bottomed Dino outfits! Woo hoo! The world will be a better place soon enough.

This morning Dave Matthews was playing on the office radio. I made a quick and decisive decision to change the music. Later I was asked which was better Pink Floyd or the Grateful Dead. The correct answer is neither but I said Pink Floyd. I feel like I am slipping down the slope of the lesser of two evils… at least I still draw a line in the sand in regards to the Dave Matthews Band.

For lunch today the CEO asked everyone how life was. The office manager didn’t reply. I assume this is because he told her that her last day was in a few days. Life might have been good yesterday but today.. well the forecast calls for unemployment. Perhaps her ability at office obfuscation was too successful and she camouflaged herself out of a job?

I’ve been given some very important busywork. I am wiping old computers. Weeks, months, if not years of hard work spent updating facebook statuses, playing the blob video game, and porn histories are all being erased. Let us take a moment for the loss of all this banal computer memory. Sigh. R.I.P. computer porn.

Today lunch was bland. Brown rice and kale. Bah! Then when we went out on a walk to take in smoothies the shop was closed! Argh!

Not all days are full of gloom and though. Today I learned I could take Ambien, black out and engage in blameless morally reprehensible activity. I plan on keeping a healthy bottle of Ambien in my desk drawer.

Twerk at Work

This morning BART smelled like urine and hot cheetos making it an extra spicy ride to the city.

The feminist data analyst has been sticking her hands in her pants a lot lately. She has basically become a female Al Bundy. Today while in line for Mexican food she stuck her mitt down the back of her pants and then got everyone silverware. I don’t think she washed her hands. I hope everyone who used forks and knives today for lunch is as into butt stuff as the feminist data analyst is.

The marketing guy had his epipen out for lunch. He is deathly allergic to peanuts, not to be confused with penis, which is a common mistake, after all both have nuts. Evidently his penis allergy is so bad that his throat will start to constrict, he’ll start gagging, and will have such a hard time of the whole ordeal that he’ll have to go to the hospital.

The marketing guy spent a fair amount of his time at lunch texting with his girlfriend. When asked how many texts on average he sends to her he said roughly 200. I wonder when he has time to actually do any marketing.

The feminist data analyst is considering dying her arm pit hair pink.

The office lesbian came inside from her tanning session out on the patio. She showed me her illegal guns and then we began a discussion on twerking. We both attempted to arch our backs and bump our booties but neither of us had enough assault in our ass to show that we were actually twerking.

Given my lack of skill in making my wiggle bags bounce I watched a tutorial video. The office manager and I practiced for a little bit butt it didn’t work out that well.

The front end engineer is interviewing new potentials to do some contract work. It was generally agreed that a new hire should be okay with butt stuff.

I am going on vacation for the next few days. I look forward to the temporary amnesia that happens when you don’t go to work.

 

The role of obfuscation in the modern world

It’s Monday. The weekend has ended and work has cometh like winter. Boo hoo.

Luckily today has been pretty slow, perhaps because I’ve been hiding underneath my desk. The CEO can’t tell where I am when I obscure my location.

Speaking of camouflage the office manager is an expert at desk disguise. She has mastered the art of being perceived as being at the office while actually not being at the office. This wonderful technique is accomplished by having a somewhat cluttered desk, a workspace that is hidden behind a monitor and perhaps most importantly by always having a jacket on the back of her chair. Draping her coat on her chair makes the casual observer believe that she is still in the office even if she is not at her desk – after all who would leave the office sans coat? She however has brought an extra coat to obfuscate that she is not actually in the office! Genius! Absolute genius! She is able to wonder about town while everyone thinks she is hard at work and only temporarily missing due to an urgent errand or trip to the bathroom.

She is a lesson to us all.

Today lunch was sushi. Again. Gah! I am sure that the salmon was farmed, that the crab was not free range, and that the sea weed came from a lake. Bah!

Over lunch the head of marketing  revealed that he has told his girlfriend not to pluck her eyebrows. “I like when her brows are bushy. It means that she is more in touch with her powerful side,” he said letting his unibrow grow closer together.

“What about if she shaves her pubes, do you like that,” the office lesbian asked.

“Well, if she wants to…” he said lifting the heft of his unibrow. “But I think that not shaving your eyebrows is sexy. It’s what nature intended.”

“If nature hadn’t wanted us to pluck or wax our eyebrows nature wouldn’t have made us smart enough to wax or pluck them,” I replied.

“How smart do you have to be to pluck your eyebrows,” the head of marketing asked.

No consensus was reached.

We are having one on ones again this week. Two people have had theirs and have not been fired. I am guess that is a good sign. I am unsure of when mine will be but am feeling good about receiving a fist bup from the CEO.

I looked at my paycheck today. There was no fist bump on it. 

True Self Confidence!

Ah another week complete. What satisfaction there is in having spent so many hours at an office. If only I could live at the office, I would sleep so soundly at night (if I didn’t stay up working) cuddling next to the outlet that powers my laptop. It was sad leaving the office for the weekend.

Tech dad came back from a respite of illness. His child is basically an incubator of horrendous diseases that plague him. When asked about his weekend he said he’d be doing the normal things that dads- do “chill.”

The CEO talked about a recent trip he took down to LA. Evidently he was in the middle seat between an older woman and a fellow member of tech. The CEO recognizing a fellow traveler asked him what he did.

“Sorry I can’t talk. I have to check the status of my start up.” The techie busied himself texting, emailing, and jabbing at his apple watch.

The CEO looked forward then turned his head. The older woman gasped  next to him, “I… I… I can’t breathe.” She seized her chest and went into cardiac arrest. A flustered flight stewardess came up and attempted to resuscitate the older woman by giving her oxygen but was unable to figure out how the mask worked. Meanwhile the techie kept his twitter feed active with wonderful quotes like: “Reminder to self: Not happy with the game? Change the game. ”

The plane was delayed because they didn’t have enough oxygen left after failing to revive the old lady.

The CEO took a flight today.

Lunch was long this afternoon and in celebration for this weekend’s chilling everyone had a beer except for the feminist data analyst. Yesterday she made jello shots and was busy scarfing them down. Everyone had a taste and when Tech dad was asked what he thought of them he responded with typical aplomb, “They. Are. Okay… Interesting.” He didn’t finish his shot.

The make up of the shot was discussed and it was generally agreed that the amount of ingredients should be cut down from 5 to 1 or 2 (plus the jello and liquor). The feminist data analyst had put the following ingredients into the shots ; lychee, sprinkles, apples, kale (because it’s a superfood), and gummy bears (to make it sweet).

The CEO told me that I had a good attitude. It was basically a verbal fist bump. I am going to check my paycheck and am pretty sure I am going to feel disappointed. Waaa waaa waaa.

The stupid inspirational posters in the bathrooms were redesigned. Someone deserves an award for graphic design!

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It was decided that the company would get so big that Disney would name a ride after us.

Evidently we are either in a tech boom or a tech bubble right now. According to one unicorn CEO we are in a bubble right now and every is gonna get fucked when the bubble burts… well except him cuz he rich.

Carb Free Lunches For All!

This morning the train started and stopped like an adolescent lover and it took me forever to get to my destination. My fellow passengers included several tattooed people one of whom had a neck tattoo whose writing “shall not be broke” was collared around him. He also had a small crown between his brows. He closed his lids while we stuttered through the transbay tunnel focusing on his third eye, the one that would give him money to remove his shit tattoos.

When I got in I checked the downstairs toilet. Not because I had to use it but because I wanted to see if it was fixed. The water level was low so I flushed. The toilet filled. I shrugged and walked away. Later I saw someone use the toilet. I was surprised that they would poo into a full bowl of water. It’s like shitting in an overfull portapotty. To my surprise the toilet had started working again. Why? How? It’s like magnets!

A popular dinosaur movie is coming up this weekend and the backend engineer is taking the day off to go. I queried if he would cos play. He said that he may. As he still has his dinosaur onesie from days of yore when the company threw “Wacky Wednesdays” in which everyone wore a onesie.

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The backend engineer in his natural “wacky” state

Lunch today was tacos. I had salad with rice, beans, and lettuce. It was basically chipotle without a tortilla. If only I had some bacon bits to spice it up.

The graphic designer brought up how using the apple watch was akin to “stuffing pickles up his butt.” Sure he had pickles, and sure he had a butt but putting the two together didn’t make a lot of sense. Just like apple and a watch didn’t make a lot of sense. This brought on a conversation about butt stuff. The feminist data analyst was pro butt stuff and was shocked when the front end engineer wasn’t as ecstatic.

“Have you even tried it” she asked.

“Yeah. It just wasn’t for me,” he replied.

“Well you’re just doing it wrong. Try again. This time try harder,” she said.

I asked if that was her general approach to sex. If it didn’t feel good to just do it again but to just try harder. She had no reply. I think I might suggest she go eat the bdsm cafe.

My lesbian coworker championed the blob game today and was on top of the leaderboards for forty plus minutes!

I spent 40 minutes attempting to figure out an algorithmic solution as to why my friend has more likes on Instagram than I do. My friend said that perhaps I should also consider the technical quality of the photographs. On principle, out of respect for the art of photography, my friend will not like a poorly taken photograph unless my friend believes the quality of the content makes up for any technical shortcomings. I think she is just more popular than me.

One of my coworkers asked me if the CEO would care if he even showed up. I was not sure.

The CEO is going carb free. I imagine people will get fired for eating bagels.

Trendsetting

It was a rainy morning on the train platform. The uncovered section was empty save for a few people who had obtained an umbrella somehow in a desert. The drizzle was steady as I stepped onto the train. Brown puddles shaped like shoe prints were scattered along the car entryway and I slipped, falling on my ass. A woman helped to pick me up and as I rose I smelled the stench of poverty.

A older black lady sat in the handicap seat with a blanket draped on her. It looked like a child’s bedspread that had seen years of favoritism. It had stains, and tears, and streaks of urine and smears of defecation. Fluffy little clouds decorated the light blue cloth giving a cheeriness to the waste.

The seats near the woman were empty. Other passengers pulled up their coats or stuck their fingers in their nose to avoid the stench of wet rotting dog that came from the lovely little clouds.

When the train stopped I got off the car and moved down to the next car. It didn’t smell as bad but was packed. I missed my stop for work and went a stop too far. I was theoretically late to work but in actuality I don’t think anyone cared as the rainy weather kept most people away from the office. I imagine the stink continued on the train for quite a while.

One of the bathrooms was broken. I looked at it after one of the engineers exclaimed “someone ruined the toilet!” Yellowish liquid filled the bowl and it was on the cusp of spilling over. It was like a glass of champagne that you desperately hope isn’t too carbonated. I tried to fix it. I stuck the plunger into the bowl and pushed up and down. No water went anywhere but the plunger made a sucking sound. I walked away leaving the shitter almost but not quite overflowing.

Today we got chipotle for lunch. On our way I spotted a wonderful collage of nuts and screws and needles. I was surprised by this wonderful potpourri of drugs and took a picture. Ah what a wonderful moment of urban life! Novel!

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The entourage suggested that the CEO wear skinny jeans to offset the lack of sex appeal that living with parents creates. It was also noted that the majority of the world lives with their elders. I told the CEO that he was a trendsetter here in the West.

Let’s Play Master and Servant

This morning I got on BART close to ten o’clock. A slightly pudgy man with blue-rimmed sunglasses got on behind me. He wore the tight spandex of an avid cyclist. The bart whistled as we went through the transbay tunnel. A woman drifted to sleep as the brakes of the vehicle screeched. We all ignored each other.

This morning everyone spent an hour playing a game in which small blobs wander around a screen getting bigger and bigger.

“Are you a cuckold,” the front end engineer asked me.

“Cockold or cuckold?”

“Typical answer. Avoiding the issue. Obviously the shame is too much to bear and you are indeed a cuckolded cuckold.”

I hung my head with embarrassment. It made me feel good and bad at the same time.
The CEO has decided to move home as the city has become too expensive. He may end up in the pool house behind his parents place. Several members of his entourage suggested he update his dating profile.

“Would you like to come over for a dinner date… my mom is making my favorite, lasagna is always a good line for the ladies,” one entourage member said.

The HR guy, well what passes as HR, asked if I wanted to wrestle today. Since he is the one that issues out the money I gave him a noncommittal “Yes.”

For lunch today the office lesbian and I went to a local bdsm café. The workers were very consensual and asked a lot of minute questions about how we would like our sandwiches; “Is it okay if we butter both sides? Would you like a great deal of balsamic vinegeratte? How will that make you feel?”

Despite these questions they basically served us paninis made from wonderbread. My taste buds found it an uninspiring experience.

I bought the front-end engineer a button. I don’t think the worker charged me for the “Proud Ethical Pervert” button that I got him which was probably outside of the parameters of our relationship but made me happy. The button is a bit of a misnomer as I don’t think the frontend engineer is very ethical but 2 out of 3 isn’t bad.

The café sold a variety of goods, floogers, whips, rope, and instructional books. This informative literature did not include anything by Hegel and the master slave dialectic. Sad.