The Search for the perfect sandwich

It’s Friday! The weekend! That period of 48 hours during which you are to recover from all the terror and boredom of the work week by binge drinking, trying to get laid, and overeating. Woo hoo! I’d be especially stoked about the weekend if I hadn’t decided not to go into work today.

Yesterday we went looking for a new office space. On our way we went through the flower district – which is more or less a warehouse full of bouquets. I should probably get some on the company card for the Male Data Analyst’s funeral… I’ll have to get my PA on that.

It took us a while to walk to the new potential spot. It was pretty great. The Office Lesbian had been around the neighborhood already and said that during the course of 2 hours she’d been complimented on her butt over 9 times. Hearing that saddened me. in 9 months I won’t be complimented on my butt once – Maybe it’s because I have pancake butt… probably time for surgery!

I decided to put a positive spin on the whole issue by reminding myself that when I walk around on the street no one harasses me. Hurrah!

After looking at the first spot the Graphic Designer, Office Lesbian and I had sandwiches at a local market. The deli only offered 5 items on a sandwich including protein. So that’s 1: tofu 2:vegan aioli 3: lettuce 4: tomato 5:pickles which equals a weak sauce sandwich. We all agreed that a good sandwich has more than five ingredients and were disappointed that in a world as progressive as ours that some idiots still believe that you can have a good sandwich with only 5 ingredients.

The second place we saw was a live/work apartment. The pros: the CEO could move out of the pool house. Cons: we’d have to work with the CEO’s bed bugs.

On our way back to the office we saw the Head of Marketing walking down the street. He looked pretty confused so I gave him a pep talk about commitment.

“Where you going,” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he replied.

“I feel like you need to understand where you’re going. To really commit to a destination,” I said as I slapped him on the shoulder. “Walk with a sense of purpose.”

I looked across the street and saw that the crosswalk sign was counting down.

“Hey great talk,” I said and walked away.

I looked back over my shoulder and saw the Head of Marketing scuttle down the street.

Lord of the Flies

Today there were only three of us. With everyone on vacation and the CEO being MIA only the Office Lesbian, the Head of Marketing and I went to work.

It was especially lonesome this morning for me. I felt as if I was marooned on a desert island. It became even more perturbing when Simon and Garfunkel’s “Sound of Silence” came on. As the the American folk duo careened their ode to the JFK assassination I worried that I would commit suicide. Depressing thoughts are a slippery slope that often end one’s life. One of the reasons I try not to 1: work 2: think of work 3: have anything to do with work. Work is far too depressing for the living – it is a blight upon mankind.

The disappearance of the CEO has been especially troublesome for the Feminist Data Analyst who is desperately trying to quit. The company has become a sort of Broke Back mountain. Her love for the company is a torrid affair to be sure. Luckily she didn’t come into work so it wasn’t a problem for the day.

I am expecting that things will be going Lord of the Flies style real soon. I think that the Male Data Analyst will have to serve as our Piggy, not because he’s rotund or that he wears glasses – he’s an athletic ginger, but because well someone has to die on the island and it can’t be me.

I spent some time looking at conch shells on Amazon. I feel like if l have the conch shell people will listen to me. I plan to hold it before my coworkers in a bid for supremacy. I imagine it will go something like this:

“Who thinks Ralph oughtn’t to be chief?”

He looked expectantly at the boys ranged around, who had frozen. Under the palms there was deadly silence.

“Hands up?” said Jack strongly, “whoever wants Ralph not to be chief?”

The silence continued, breathless and heavy and full of shame. Slowly the red drained from Jack’s cheeks, then came back with a painful rush. He licked his lips and turned his head at an angle, so that his gaze avoided the embarrassment of linking with another’s eye.

“How many think –”

His voice trailed off. The hands that held the conch shook. He cleared his throat, and spoke loudly.

“All right then.”

He laid the conch with great care in the grass at his feet. The humiliating tears were running from the corner of each eye.

“I’m not going to play any longer. Not with you.”

Let me see that Yoga baby

The CEO is still out of town which posed a difficulty for the Feminist Data Analyst as she wanted to quit.

“What am I supposed to do guys? He’s not even answering his phone,” she said.

“You should just ghost,” I told her.

The Feminist Data Analyst will have two jobs now until the CEO realizes she’s gone… that won’t happen until he’s back from Europe anyways so…

The Male Data Analyst just got back from vacation but that isn’t stopping him from going on a cruise this week. Evidently he likes hanging out with senior citizens on boats. I think he would be a great addition to a Gilligan’s Island reunion tour.

The Engineer is also on vacation. He is traveling around seeing the famous jam band Phish. I imagine he’s finding himself in between patches of patchouli.

Lunch today was nice. We sat at a park and ate sandwiches. We all talked about our weekend. The Head of Marketing went to a four day course at his sex cult. He did some light bdsm and learned how to give better blow jobs by simulating on a mango. The woman he was partnered with asked that he smell the mango a lot.

“Why did she want you to smell it so much? When I give ladies the oral sex I don’t really just sit between their gams and sniff their mango,” I said.

“I don’t know she just liked it.”

“Well you should ask her why. I mean smelling a mango is awesome but I really don’t see why anyone would want their coochies repeatedly sniffed,” I told him.

The Head of Marketing said he would. I look forward to finding out about the pleasures of huffing mango/pussies.

The Feminist Analyst is also really into this video. It’s all about Yoga.

When we went back to the office we started watching “Grandma’s Boy.”

The search for feminist pornography

“You should probably bone her in the butt,” I told the Office Lesbian.

The Feminist Data Analyst said that when she quit she wanted to have sex with the Office Lesbian and so the rest of us office workers decided we’d have a chat about this potential tete a tete.

“Yeah I’m not sure that’s my first choice of sex activities. That’s more my number two.”

Things have been pretty sedate around the office with the CEO gone. Without the faulty panopticon of his surveillance things have been a little more lax.

The Graphic Designer and I went on a long lunch. It was long mainly due to the line. That’s okay with me though. I didn’t have anywhere to be although taking long lunches was probably hurting my ability to be a cheerleader of productivity.

The Graphic Designer offered me a beer at lunch. I took it in hand and it was only after I’d guzzled it down that I remembered that I wasn’t supposed to be drinking. My AA sponsor is gonna be pizzed.

I spent the afternoon doing errands for the out of town CEO. Evidently his hard drive of Bavarian porn has been corrupted so I had to go to a repair shop with it. When entering the shop I noticed that the City of San Francisco had notified customers that the shop may contain elements that cause cancer. I thought that it was really nice of the city to let me know that my astrological sign could change as I didn’t know that it could. I’ve always been led to believe that once a gemini always a gemini.

The troubles of Bavarian porn were nothing compared to the woes of the Feminist Data Analayst though.

“I can’t find any guys,” she said while mashing her mouse.

“What,” the Engineer said.

“Free Feminist Porn.”


I looked over and the Feminist Data Analyst had a multitude of tabs open all looking for free feminist porn. On screen hordes of hard dicks rammed there way in and out of vaginas with the subtlety of a drunk jackhammer.

“Look up porn for women,” the Engineer, who is sensitive to the issues of having to pay for porn, said.

“Even this is just a dick going in and out of an orifice,” she replied. “I want to see the men’s whole body. I want some romance.”

“Just to let you know this might be inappropriate for work,” I told the feminist. “I mean you should do you. Be the change you want to see in the world but uh this might be a little far.” The last syllable of my sentence ended with a prudish squeak.

I then went on to encourage her to make her own free feminist porn, probably not on the clock though. Look out for the Feminist Data Analyst’s future porn company: “Butt Stuff.”




Bed Bugs

The weekend cometh! Hurrah! It’s Friday and no one gives a shit. Not the Feminist Data Analyst who is “sick,” or the male data analyst who is on “vacation” nor the office manager now turned PA (that’s Personal Assistant not Penis Assistant). I’ve decided to kick my feet back and like Paul LaFrague relax.

This doesn’t bode well for the CEO who asked me to mail out his traffic ticket contestation. I had a real moral conundrum when he asked me to mail out his ticket information. Do I do it? Or do I make him pay? Since he didn’t give me a raise should I just make him pay my salary to someone else or should I let him keep his money?

The CEO will certainly not be relaxing any time soon. He recently came down with bed bugs! Ugh! His legs were glittered with bright red bites which he showed off during lunc. I guess his move to his parent’s pool house came with a cost.

“The Office Manager will know how to deal with bed bugs,” the Office Lesbian yelled as I walked in.

“Why would I know? What do I know about scabies and bed bugs,” I replied itching my crotch.

“You gotta make a trap,” the Engineer told the CEO. “You get your vacuum out and stick your leg out and suck out all those motherfuckers that try to get at you. You gotta get them all. Can’t let a single one go.”

“You definitely gotta take care of this shit stat. No one gonna wanna come over and bone dog if you got the bugs,” I told the CEO.

The Engineer then went to concoct elaborate traps for the CEO to devise. I think he may have started having flashbacks from his acid days as he started talking about vaseline and spindles. He said his friend Bobby Brown told him how to get rid of bed bugs.

The CEO is gone to Croatia next week! I predict that the office staff will also go on vacation! We are off to Croatan! 

Towards the end of my day I saw a homeless man piss on the office building. I thought about yelling him but then I was like pissing is productive so I should just relax.

Before he left the CEO gave me a bro hug. I think we are progressing past the fist bump but I don’t what this means for my salary.

The finger diddle

I got a note in the morning that I was to bring a print out to the CEO. It was a short letter arguing against a traffic ticket. He’s gotten a couple since he’s been here. One time he backed into a car right outside the office. I brought it up to him. Later I brought him another piece of paper. I suppose shuffling paper around is what productivity is.

During lunch the graphic designer and I each had a beer while the Head of Marketing went to town on some fancy potato chips.

“You’re really going to town on those,” I told him.

“They’re good,” the Head of Marketing replied.

“Do you think you have an addictive personality,” I asked as the Head of Marketing put yet another chip into his face orifice.

“Yeah,” he said through a mash of potato. “Do you?”


“I think that having an addictive personality is exciting. Don’t you?”


“Yeah I would disagree with that,” the graphic designer said. “Addictive behavior is very predictable. You see your trigger and then you just do the thing. If you aren’t addicted though you might do anything at anytime.”

I brought the Head of Marketing out another bag of potato chips.

The Head of Marketing also asked me if I would enjoy taking my girlfriend to the sex cult this weekend to be shown how to finger diddle her.

The Office Lesbian offered me a $1 to give her a back massage. “You’ll do anything for a dollar,” she said.

“I’m not going to give you a dollar.”

“Well go look at Meat Spin.”

I did that for free. Now I don’t have to worry about finger diddling my girlfriend.



Arbeit macht frei

Today I dressed up. I wore pants and nice shoes. I put on a button up shirt with a collar. We were to each have one on one meetings with the CEO. I was gonna ask for a monetary fist bump.

We went to a park for lunch. We got sandwiches. It was hot in the sun. We talked about going to outdoor music festivals. Most people were pro.

On our walk back the Office Lesbian suggested we have butt plug day.

“I think the feminist analyst would really like it!”

We laughed.

“You would probably do it,” the Office Lesbian said to me. “You succumb to peer pressure easily.”

“No I don’t! You’d have to pay me,” I replied.

“Fine I’ll give you a dollar,” the Office Lesbian said.

“Okay. Butt plugs it is.”

“You can be bought for a low price,” the engineer said to me.

“I just want to feel like I am being paid for my shame. It makes me feel better about myself.”

“Does your girlfriend practice hoodoo,” The Engineer asked the Head of Marketing on our walk.

“Probably,” the Head of Marketing replied.

“What is Hoodoo,” I asked.

“It’s like love potions and powders. My friend sprinkles some hoodoo powder in her boyfriend’s hat. She had to back off after a while though because he started to like her too much. The hoodoo went bad. Turned against her,” the Engineer said shaking his head.

I began to worry about the amount of hoodoo being practiced on the Head of Marketing. I hope it doesn’t back fire. He might fall in love with a statue, or a dog, or argh ME!!!

I asked for a raise again. The CEO told me that he didn’t really have enough work to justify giving me a raise. In fact my job was basically redundant but he likes me so he keeps me around. I guess I have powerful hoodoo. I am also to try to cut costs. I considered telling him he was fired but decided to keep him around because I like him.

On the plus side he also asked me to help with Team Culture. I am to be a “cheerleader of productivity.”

Now get back to work motherfuckers this Kapo needs to get paid.

The funeral of Miss Bianca

I ordered more snacks today! Over $300 worth of snacks which is about $38 of snackage per person per week. Woah!

The Feminist Data Analyst donned her cool kid clothes; she put on her cap and  some oversized sunglasses then went to the dispensary to score. She brought me back an edible.

There was talk via the CEO that if we are successful we will go to Necker Island. We just need to sell something and make a little money which we will then blow on a trip to Necker Island.

The office is being toured to be sublet and I was afraid that they would notice Bianca, the dead rat, in the back and move her but luckily they didn’t.

In the afternoon we had a funeral for Bianca. I picked her up with a fork and dumped her in an empty tea box. Then we doused her in vodka, and stuffed some paper towels with her. We were gonna give her a viking funeral so we walked down to the water and attempted to set her on fire while we played Taps.


The Office Lesbian wrote a eulogy for her;

Rat Eulogy

Miss Bianca

We are gathered here today on the shores of the bay in SOMA to honr the short but filled life of Miss Bianca, the young rat taken from us much too soon.

I knew Miss Bianca from her short stint at XXXX where she blessed us with her kind steadfast presence.

Before she started working at XXXX she was a valued member of the Rescuers an elite ops team comprised primarily of rats. Overall she saved the lives of 5 orphans and 2 missing children for her efforts she was awarded the Gold Cheese and is one of the most decorated rats of all time. Her courage to run into the face of danger with no hesitation to save others is a lesson in life to us all.

A little known fact about Miss Bianca is that she played bass guitar in the well known band Ratt in the 80’s. She never dwelled in the past and was constant in her humility even as a prominent rock musician.

Today we send her to her next stage in life in fire as she lived out her life. Her bright spirit will burn brighter in heaven.

May Miss Bianca Rest In Peace. 

The Engineer made a play list that also included Bullet with Butterfly Wings by Smashing Pumpkins. We listened to that while we attempted to light the funeral boat on fire. IMG_9106

Evidently I did a shitty job as office manager because the vodka we soaked her in didn’t catch flame. We eventually just pushed her off the edge and let her sink into the waters. 


“I’m glad it didn’t smell” the Head of Marketing said.

“Yeah if it had burned it would have really stank,” the Engineer replied.

We had a wake in a nearby park where we listened to “Electric Avenue” and shared a beer. We then gave our remaining vodka to some pimply faced teenagers.

We all came back to the office a little sad at rejoining the rat race.

A melancholy Monday

It was a sad day for me at the office. I had to do a fair amount of labor which really disappointed me. I did not stowaway for nine months in my mother’s uterus leaching off her energy and food to emerge out of her cunt to a world where I would be put to work. No I am meant to suckle off the beautiful teet of wealth! I was heartbroken when I was put to a task today: I had to move a bunch of office equipment around.

I rented a storage space from a nice looking white guy. He had a bowl cut and crooked teeth, sort of a modern day Larry Bittaker. After briefly talking to him I knew that the storage space was secure, a prerequisite that the CEO repeatedly stated that was needed. I figured this guy at storage was probably keeping dead bodies in storage which meant that the storage was real secure… and probably good at dealing with dead body smells!

The serial killer at the storage facility also said that it was difficult to cut through the locks.

“Der jus aint no spass too use a bolts cutter,” he told me. “You gots to grind, grind, grrrrind the locks off.”

“What sort of stuff do people leave in their storage units,” I asked.

“Awl sores of stuff. Diamonds, money, like cash money, baseball cards, eeequpment.”

I scuttled out of the storage facility and rented a uhual. I’ve gotten quite good at driving large vehicles while employed at this job. I’ve only gotten into one accident with a company rented vehicle. I am on par with the CEO.

The Head of Marketing got back together with his girlfriend. Which is sad for me as I lost a $3 bet to the Engineer. I didn’t honestly believe they’d break up but put the bet up to be sporting. I’m hoping I can double my money by breaking them up. The vocab of the day is still cuckold as in I would like to cuckold the Head of Marketing.

The Office Lesbian tried to revive a dying rat with blueberries and water. The rat didn’t come back to life. It was sad. Now the rat is dead. I think we will have a funeral for her. I hope the rat is happy in some sort of ratty afterlife.

The sensual dance of brows

Today it sprinkled. That was really annoying to the CEO when we walked outside for lunch. The CEO had a phone interview so we had to make lunch snappy. We ended up getting sandwiches at a small restaurant nearby. They were not tasty nor snappy plus it rained.

We talked about potentially pivoting as a business.

I got organic lemonade! So sweet! So sour!

The Head of Marketing broke up with his girlfriend. In order to flee her grasp he is flying out of town. They split up yesterday. She went out and had sex with another dude named Kefir, like the yogurt not like the Sutherland. The Head of Marketing tried to have sex with someone else too but it didn’t work out – I guess his PR skillz ain’t there. He was pretty excited about his trip. Evidently the girls in other towns like men with unibrows.

Anyways he seemed really glad of his new independence. He even showed off his newfound independence today by getting a salad instead of a sandwich like the rest of us. 

I did some more cord wrapping today. I also listed items on ebay for sale. I’m quickly becoming an ebay specialist. Sometimes I wish I could sell my coworkers away. I wonder how much the Head of Marketing’s “girlfriend” would pay for him.

The graphic designer has the controller to the music and kept changing my goth music downstairs to Miley Cyrus. At first I was confused then I remembered that Hanna Montana went goth for a minute and so I felt okay.