New Security Guard

The cousin came in again. I tried to ignore her. On our way out for lunch we brainstormed potential positions should could fulfill.

“How about she become our new Security guard,” the CEO said.

“I don’t know if she would really be able to stop anyone from doing anything,” the Graphic Designer said.

“Yeah she would basically let anyone into the building,” I said.

“Well look at how the Head of Marketing is kept reigned in though,” the Engineer replied.

We all conceded that the cousin does indeed wear the pants in the family. We may end up hiring her for security after all.

For lunch we went to a fancy Mexican restaurant. The CEO had a phone call to take so came inside a little after the rest of us. There was a spot next to the Graphic Designer for the CEO to take. The Graphic Designer looked bummed as the CEO only talks about business during hangout sessions. The CEO regaled us today with his entrepreneurial skills. When he was in high school he would buy iphones and sell them overseas. He even cooked up a scam so he could get free shipping. He made $150 off each phone which is pretty good for a kid in high school. I’m not sure his skills followed him after school though. When the Engineer asked him what he did with the money he replied that he invested the money into the market.

The Engineer had to do some in house interviews today. A handful of bland ass dudes came in and the Engineer introduced us all to them. He skipped over my job title, “office lackey.”

The Graphic Designer shook hands with some of the new interviewees today. He stayed seated. Later he regretted his potential breech of civil conduct.

“I probably should have stood when I shook their hands,” he said. “Actually fuck it I’m glad I stayed seated.”

I stayed seated as well. I didn’t give it one thought.

I said hey, hey what’s going on?

The Office Lesbian has an impressive musical memory. We turned on the office jukebox and as normal she sang along with every single song that was played. Her lyrical lexicon ranges from Incubus to 4 Non Blondes to Le Tigre and Skid Row. I was very impressed as I can only remember the lyrics to Nickelback songs.

The cousin came in again today. Luckily she kept to herself and napped on the sofa.

The Head of Marketing has been recruiting a swarm of Euro Trash from the far east for our new product. The Engineer has had to field tons of interviews with unibrowed Euros who love swimming in the ocean.

There is much excitement about potentially going to eastern europe!

The CEO didn’t come in today until the late afternoon. He was busy reviewing his Bavarian Porn. I assume his wrist will be really tired tomorrow. Poor guy.

My voo doo spell from yesterday didn’t work out that well. The Head of Marketing had ZERO new zits. I may have to give up on black magik… or redouble my efforts.

The Office Lesbian did end up seeing someone rooting in the trash later. She asked me to help her out as she was a little nervous. It ended up being the Head of Marketing.

He was digging up material to make a sign for his new start up.

Bavarian Porn

This morning I got up bright and early to recover the CEO’s hard drive full of Bavarian porn. He’s going full bore on his plan to expand to an Eastern European office and so was in need of his Euro Trash spank bank to be fixed asap. I picked up the hard drive and put the costs on the company card.

When I got into the office the Head of Marketing and his cousin were emerging from the bathroom while buckling their belts. I didn’t walk into the bathroom but I can only assume there was a bit of spazz spazz spazzing.

The cousin’s presence is becoming a bit of an annoyance as she doesn’t really add much to the office. She also has repulsive table manners.

“You know what I like,” I asked during lunch. “Table manners.”

“You know what I like,” she replied while scooping a large limp piece of butterleaf lettuce into her mouth, “eating with my hands.”

She took a moment from chewing the cud to make fun of my skin art.

“And at least I don’t have dumb tattoos,” she said as a stream of salmon salad sewage drooled out her mouth.

I didn’t go into depths about the importance and sacredness of my tribal barbed wire tattoos that I got in a sacred temple at the mall but I may have to help instill a No Family policy at the office soon.

The Rubber Chicken is still missing which is sad because we may relocate to a penthouse apartment soon. The Rubber Chicken will never find its way home. There is some discussion and much overlooking about the legalities of our move.

The Voo Doo doll that I got off of Amazon came in today. It’s a bit disappointing as it only comes with positive spells. There is one for love, one to give meaning for dreams and even one for successful business. Basically they are bullshit spells. There’s not even a weak ass magic missile spell in them.

I spent a fair amount of time researching spells and came up with a spell to give the Head of Marketing acne. I stole a piece of hair off the Head of Marketing and affixed it to the voo doo doll and then went to the bathroom where I turned off the lights and repeated the incantation of:

Pools of oil 

and greasy pits

cover this boy in a million zits

I will check his skin tomorrow to see if it worked.

I fear that the voo doo came back to me in bad computer karma as I came down with a computer virus today. I spent a while getting rid of it. It was more annoying and not nearly as pleasurable as a STD.

BFF

The morning got off to a slow start. Half the staff didn’t come in until 11am. Luckily the two worker bees, the Engineer and the Office Lesbian were hard at work finishing our new product for some douche bag friend of the CEO. With our new product launched we will soar to new levels of mediocrity. The CEO was very excited and even thanked all the staff for all of our hard work. He even thanked me.

The Feminist Data Analyst rolled by work and the Graphic Designer and I went to lunch with her. The Graphic Designer was wearing form fitting jeans which of course the Feminist Data Analyst noticed.

“Oh your butt is out to play,” she exclaimed.

“What do you mean?”

“Well I mean that if your butt stays sticking out like it, it won’t be a virgin butt for much longer.”

The Head of Marketing was very sad that we didn’t invite him along to lunch. He’s been wanting to bonedog the Feminist Data Analyst for a while although I think his cousin might get mad that he would fuck someone outside the family.

Lunch with the Feminist Data Analyst was a good time. Her new job is stressful and a lot of work which is sad but on the bright side she did stop a butterfly from being crushed by a car. She also talked about being our BFF, or Best Feminist Friend.

When we returned to work the Graphic Designer started cleaning up. He found a slew of stickers, some empty boxes, and a paper model of some onesies that the former Backend Engineer had elaborated constructed. The bottom of the onesie even clasped shut. It was some amazing origami.

In an effort to make the Head of Marketing’s life better we’ve ordered a voo doo doll. I am excited to stick pins in him on Monday.

Sadly the rubber chicken, our office mascot, has gone missing. The staff is drowning in grief. On Monday I’ll be putting up missing signs.

Halfway Hopes

The CEO didn’t come in today. He had a terrible headache. I think it was from all the gluten he was ingesting at lunch yesterday. He threw his diet overboard like Kate Winslet dumped Leo DiCaprio in James Cameron’s “Titanic.” The CEO did it with the same amount of remorse too — none.

The Real Estate agent and the new tenants did come in though. No one knows when they are moving in but it seems our moving out is coming quicker than we thought. The new tenants, a bunch of techie dorks, went around the office measuring, pointing, and brain storming future plans for the office. Little do they know that this office is haunted by a ghost. The ghost of start up failure. OOOOOoooohhh scary!

The Head of Marketing’s cousin came in again. She showed us her butt plug and stuck it on the wall. It stayed there for a minute before it fell on the ground. She then unceremoniously dumped it into her purse.

“It’s okay it has period blood on it anyways.”

I bought her some creamer for her tea. She affects an English Accent so she likes to have tea in the afternoons. She thanked me. I said it was okay because now the Head of Marketing would hold onto my leg while I had sex with her. Later the Head of Marketing agreed with me that anal sex didn’t count as sex. What counts is that the Head of Marketing will cry and that he will be holding onto my leg crying into my wispy, curly leg hair.

The Rubber Chicken decided to go on a walk with us today to Whole Foods. Here are some pictures of her at the local grocery.

Even chickens can't afford these prices

Even chickens can’t afford these prices

A cartoon comrade sells out.

A cartoon comrade sells out.

The Horror! The Horror! This is not organic free range lemon herb chicken!

The Horror! The Horror! This is not organic free range lemon herb chicken!

False. The chicken gave up hope halfway.

False. The chicken gave up hope halfway.

We were all saddened that the Chicken was unable to cross the road and come back to the office with us. Let us take a moment for her.

Hot spot

The last few days have been busy… actually no they haven’t but that hasn’t stopped me from bearing the emotional fatigue of going somewhere that I feel blasé about it.

The next door neighbors haven’t been sharing my uncaring attitude of late as the CEO has parked his second Mercedes Benz in their spot. Unable to open his car trunk (where he left his keys) for the last few days the CEO did what any CEO would do, roll out his bigger, more expensive, SUV into the company parking lot.

First the neighbors emailed me asking me who the second Benz belonged to. In my remedial proletariat life I’ve never encountered someone who had a Benz much less two so I replied that it was all a mystery. I finally figured out that only the CEO could be rich enough that he would have two Benz to park in too many spots. The neighbor and I went back and forth about parking spots for a bit.

____________________

Neighbor@neighbor.com
to Milton Waddams
ok, the mercedes will have to move then, asap.
currently Dumbjob has cars in #1-3.
thanks
_____________________
Milton Waddams <Milton@Dumbjob.com>
to Neighbor

Yeah we’ll move the mercedes as soon as we can.

Best.
_____________________
Neighbor@neighbor.com
to Milton Waddams
great, we’ll need it soon. our CEO is coming back from meetings, eta 15 min.
____________________
I did not respond to the neighbor’s email. I bet their CEO had to use street parking like a fucking peasant. I’m glad I was able to support my CEO’s laziness and inconsiderateness for a little while by not addressing an issue. Hurrah for the team productivity cheerleader.
These parking issues won’t be an issue for much longer as the realtor came in with papers for the CEO to sign. We’ve gotten out of our lease, but we have yet to find a place to move to. I imagine that we will move into the CEO’s parent’s pool house as he recently moved back into his house proper. He even took up his old room from high school.
“Was it nostalgic,” the Engineer asked him.
“Nah. I had all these garbage trophies in there. Like soccer participation trophies from the sixth grade. I got medals for just showing up. I wasn’t even that good,” the CEO said. I suppose the whole company is sort of like a trophy for the CEO. It’s just something that he got for showing up and it’s not because he’s that good.
On a positive note the fake fish, rubber chicken, and whoopie cushion came in that I’d ordered off Amazon. The whoopie cushion is quite large and makes an echoing flatulent sound when sat on.
IMG_9701IMG_9702

Achievement unlocked: Lackey Status!

The day started off well. The Head of Marketing got a new haircut and wasn’t wearing his shoes. I considered telling him about hook worms but then shrugged it off which made me feel good. Apathy at the workplace is happiness at home.

Evidently every day is bring your family to work day as the Head of Marketing brought his cousin in again today. She was relatively sedate although she did try to steal some grapes from me. I would have none of that and with ninja like reflexes stole them out of her hands. She was wondering what I thought about a website entitled climaxyourlife.com. I hope her desire for the little death ends in her own death.

The CEO has decided to go Euro on us and is considering outsourcing all of our work to peons in developing countries, mainly eastern Europe. He is excited about going abroad again on business trips. We will probably have to glue his hand to his phone that way we can reach him.

Amongst other productive decisions the CEO also decided to lock his keys in his trunk. That was a real bummer as his Mercedes Benz can’t be opened from the inside. He found this out after this awesome Cholo came to the office to unlock his car. The Cholo had long cut off dickies, a t-shirt, a hat, sunglasses, and a goatee. He also carried a bag that said “Door unlock.”

For lunch we went to some food trucks. It was a ton of fun waiting in line for specialty foods. Wazoo!

On the bright side we got to learn a great lesson about capitalism as I spotted a quarter on some cardboard.

“Hey that’s someone’s house,” the Office Lesbian said.

“Well they shouldn’t be so careless with their money,” I replied. “Capitalism is all about petty opportunism.”

“Agreed. If we can learn two things today it’s that Capitalism teaches us 1: Don’t be Homeless and 2: Don’t be poor.”

Hurray for not being Poor!!! Hurray!!

Not being poor doesn’t mean that I’m not a lackey. I found this out when the CEO asked me to print stuff out again. I waited til he wasn’t looking and printed it out on the printer a few feet from his desk- I do need job security after all.

In addition he made me bring some boxes to the post office. I guess being rich means that you don’t have to do mundane things anymore. I wonder if the CEO is so rich he doesn’t have to shit. I know he’s not rich enough that he doesn’t need keys.

Here comes the weekend! One more time- Hurray for not being POOR!!!

Productivity cycles

This morning I printed out a sheet for the CEO. He didn’t know if the printer upstairs was working or not. Which corresponds to his employees. He doesn’t know if they’re working or not.

That didn’t stop him from having an engaging discussion with the Engineer about productivity cycles.

“What time are you most productive? I feel I’m most productive in the afternoon. The entire morning I just feel like I’m warming up,” the CEO said.

The Engineer talked about focus cycles but mine had just ended so I didn’t hear what he said.

En route to afternoon coffee we continued our discussion of dancing from the previous day.

“I’d like to try salsa,” the Engineer said.

“Yeah it’s not hard and ladies love it. If you are a good dancer it doesn’t matter how busted you are,” I told him.

“True.”

“Salsa – it ain’t just for chips anymore!”

We went to an Art gallery after we all got non fat macchiatos that had shitty latte art. Gah!

“I think this show is better than the last one,” I said with a grand swipe of the arm. “We’re art critics now,” I continued after spilling a little of my Ecuadorian espresso onto the galley floor.

I purchased a rubber fish for the office that way we can slap each other in the face with it. I also decided to get a rubber chicken and a whoopie cushion.

The Head of Marketing’s cousin came in today. I asked if the Head of Marketing would hold my hand while I had sex with his cousin. He said no. I asked if he would hold my legs. He didn’t answer.

His cousin sat downstairs working on their new dance cult project. After a while the Graphic Designer and I decided to fuck with the downstairs sound system. We blared the music really loud and then turned it off. The Graphic Designer couldn’t stop laughing as we tortured the cousin. He ended up putting on Tiny Tim, Death Metal and Lamar all on at the same time.

Contractor killer

The Graphic Designer brought in his hover board to work today. It’s this little scooter thing that you balance on and it saves you the terrible burden of walking. Humans certainly didn’t evolve over millions of years to walk, they evolved that way machines could walk for them.

The contraption was pretty fun and everyone had a good time trying it out. It was a bit hard to get a hang of but soon everyone was taking turns cruising around. When I got on it I felt like a ghostly Technophile Fuhrer out to strangle low level employees. I cruised around the office with my arms stretched out yearning for fresh flesh to choke out.

The Office Lesbian got on it and was having a good time until she tried to get off. She stepped off and her feet flew up in the air. She fell on her ass with a loud thud. It was funny because she didn’t get hurt.

Things have been getting stressful here now that we have a real deadline. We need our product out by Friday so things are getting down to the wire.

“What are some of the main obstacles to accomplishing our goal,” The CEO asked the Engineer.

“Uh getting shit done,” the Engineer replied.

One of the contractor’s dropped the ball on basically doing everything. The CEO has decided to shit can on him but first I get to go out and kill him! The contractor lives in Nebraska so I am going to the midwest. I promised everyone that I would send back cans for corn from the corn eating heart of America.

Because the Male Data Analyst hasn’t been showing up for work we’ve decided to sacrifice him to the tech Gods in order to give us the strength to outsource our labor and have our project complete so that we can go out and have a fancy dinner. We decided that the Graphic Designer would chase him down with the scooter and then we would ambush him. We’ll probably have to use the conch shell to bludgeon him, or maybe we could use the old business cards of ex employees. We can papercut him to death. There are a gazillion ex business cards. Maybe we can have a funeral for the Male Data Analyst and make a collage of the old business cards at the same time. Fun!

Lunch was a lot of fun today and we all got Chipotle. We sat out in the sun and had a good time. We talked about techno music and what our preferred weapon was. The Graphic Designer revealed that he was a former professional paintballer player. I hope he doesn’t go postal on us.

When we returned to the office I saw the Head of Marketing putting droplets of some chemical into his glass of water.

“What are you putting in your water,” I asked the shoeless Head of Marketing.

“It’s a vaccine.”

A vaccine? Is there some sort of sickness. Are you trying to kill us all via biochemical warfare!?”

“No. It’s just to make me healthy.”

“You being healthy means that everyone else is sick,” I exclaimed.

Fifteen minutes later I huddled everyone together into the conference room and told them that we had to kill the head of marketing.

I wonder what we will have for lunch tomorrow. I’m sure killing everyone is gonna eat up a lot of calories.

\

Well, I’ve been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord

The weekend is over and a new week has begun. That doesn’t mean that the CEO has done his laundry though. He came in dressed in business attire because he hasn’t gotten a chance to do his laundry yet which is good and bad. The good: his slacks and business shirt make him look slim. The bad: he looks like a douchebag. He also had to tie his penny loafers while on the way to lunch.

The weekend was pretty exciting for everyone. The Graphic Designer went to a concert, I went to a show, and the Head of Marketing finger blitzed his cousin/girlfriend into the 7th realm of heaven.

The Engineer went out dancing over the weekend but he had a lot questions about how exactly to dance. As the office cheerleader and dance enthusiast I suggested he dagger. I explained to get on a ladder and then dive into the hopefully wanting, hopefully waiting arms of a nice lady. I also suggested he approach women by saying “Yo Girl.”

The Graphic Designer with his normal amount of sagacity suggested he just stick to a simple “white boy sway.”

The CEO thought daggering sounded like a great time and suggested it as a chain of workout classes. Potential pivot in effect!

It was also suggested that he pay attention to what type of music it was. You don’t neccessarily want to be waiting for the beat drop on Phil Collins even though Phil Collins is sick.

The Office Lesbian meanwhile didn’t get much rest over the weekend.

“My roommate went to jackhammering at 4 in the morning,” the Office Lesbian said. “There wasn’t anything I could do about it. I mean at that time of night you need to be having Kenny G love making.”

The Office Lesbian’s housemates not only jack hammer their pelvic uglies together but also are getting really into some sort of positive thought cult. The Office Lesbian would have none of their bullshit PMA.

Before we went out to lunch I blew the conch shell as a call to productivity!

We went to some salad place for lunch which everyone has been liking a lot. I cut in front of the Graphic Designer and the Office Lesbian inline. They didn’t say anything and I felt really good about it so I rewarded myself with a brownie! Yum!

The CEO asked me to do my job today. I had to write up a report of some sort. I had no idea what he was fucking talking about but luckily I was able to hand it off to the Office Lesbian who saved my ass via fabrication – further proof that work is one big lie and further reinforcement that behind every man is a woman who actually does his job.

Evidently if “we” finish up a big project by the end of the week the company is gonna go out to some fancy dinner on the CEO. Woo hoo! I really hope that the Engineer and all the contractors pull through for us because the rest of us aren’t doing shit.

Along with thinking about fancy dinners and drinking on the CEO’s dime I also listened to a lot of Phil Colllins. I am ready to take on the world!