I emerged from the subway like a booger out of a child’s running nose with the same level of exuberance. I looked to my right and there was the Feminist Data Analyst with her scooter. She looked left, she looked right, she looked left again, but mainly she looked confused.

“Hey,” I yelled.

“Oh hey Milton. How are you?” She rode her scooter over five feet to meet me.

“I’m good. What’s up with you?”

“I can’t remember where 5th street is. Is it in front or behind us? I usually get out at another exit.”

“Well that’s 4th right there.” I pointed to the visible street sign. “So 5th is behind us.”

“Oh right. I’m going to be late to work. I have to be there at 10.”

“Yes. Yes you are.” It was five after ten.

“See ya!” She scooted off in the other direction.

I shrugged. She reminded me of a stoned White Rabbit from Alice and Wonderland.

The Feminist Data Analyst on her scooter

When I walked in there was no one in the office… well no one but the CEO. He sat at the head desk in the communal row that we all share. I considered immediately turning tail. There is nothing as frightening as being alone with the CEO. He will bore me to death with business speak.

He waved at me. I couldn’t leave now I thought to myself. I sat down. I began a day of work. Sigh.

I had lunch with another office worker from another company. His name is Elliot. He likes hoodies, heroin, and animal husbandry. He has a beard, icelandic blue eyes, and enjoys talking about the revolutionary aspects of the internets. Today he went on a tirade while we at Whole Foods about privilege.

“I don’t get why people are poo pooing privilege so much. I mean I understand you are resentful that you weren’t born rich. That sucks, really. Who wants to be some hunch backed jerk off cleaning toilets or making sandwiches for people like me,” he said while we were in line getting gluten free sandwiches. “But it’s totally unreasonable to ask people like me not to take advantage of their privilege. Every time I take food from here without paying for it I expose capital as it is – a wonderful system that is great for people like me. In addition when I take things when I want them I show that the system is flawed. The po po should be looking at people like me but instead they glare at the hunchbacks like idiots. God this sandwich is good.”

Eliot didn’t steal my sandwich but he did steal two beers! He didn’t share either of them though. Womp womp.

A portrait of Eliot

A portrait of Eliot

The Head of Marketing didn’t come in. Evidently he was so sunburnt that he was immobile. He fell asleep in the sun for five hours.

“I look like a lobster” he texted.

“I don’t believe you.” I replied.

“Dude!! I fell asleep in the sun for 5 hours!! 5 hours!!”

“Were you wearing your shoes? Also the Office Lesbian falls asleep in the sun all the time. She came to work.”

“5 hours you fool.”

The Head of Marketing

The Head of Marketing

He refused to send pictures of his sunburnt skin. We don’t believe in his excuses. On the plus side it is proof that my voo doo spells are working! Earlier in the week I broke out the doll and cast the following spell:

 pain and suffering until you are nice to me.

but for now you burn and toss and turn.

Until you are pleasant you will learn

the harshness of the sunburn

And we wait for the pleasantry

 Then this curse indeed  mote it be.

I cast a spell on you Motherfucker

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