Today I dressed up. I wore pants and nice shoes. I put on a button up shirt with a collar. We were to each have one on one meetings with the CEO. I was gonna ask for a monetary fist bump.
We went to a park for lunch. We got sandwiches. It was hot in the sun. We talked about going to outdoor music festivals. Most people were pro.
On our walk back the Office Lesbian suggested we have butt plug day.
“I think the feminist analyst would really like it!”
“You would probably do it,” the Office Lesbian said to me. “You succumb to peer pressure easily.”
“No I don’t! You’d have to pay me,” I replied.
“Fine I’ll give you a dollar,” the Office Lesbian said.
“Okay. Butt plugs it is.”
“You can be bought for a low price,” the engineer said to me.
“I just want to feel like I am being paid for my shame. It makes me feel better about myself.”
“Does your girlfriend practice hoodoo,” The Engineer asked the Head of Marketing on our walk.
“Probably,” the Head of Marketing replied.
“What is Hoodoo,” I asked.
“It’s like love potions and powders. My friend sprinkles some hoodoo powder in her boyfriend’s hat. She had to back off after a while though because he started to like her too much. The hoodoo went bad. Turned against her,” the Engineer said shaking his head.
I began to worry about the amount of hoodoo being practiced on the Head of Marketing. I hope it doesn’t back fire. He might fall in love with a statue, or a dog, or argh ME!!!
I asked for a raise again. The CEO told me that he didn’t really have enough work to justify giving me a raise. In fact my job was basically redundant but he likes me so he keeps me around. I guess I have powerful hoodoo. I am also to try to cut costs. I considered telling him he was fired but decided to keep him around because I like him.
On the plus side he also asked me to help with Team Culture. I am to be a “cheerleader of productivity.”
Now get back to work motherfuckers this Kapo needs to get paid.