BFF

The morning got off to a slow start. Half the staff didn’t come in until 11am. Luckily the two worker bees, the Engineer and the Office Lesbian were hard at work finishing our new product for some douche bag friend of the CEO. With our new product launched we will soar to new levels of mediocrity. The CEO was very excited and even thanked all the staff for all of our hard work. He even thanked me.

The Feminist Data Analyst rolled by work and the Graphic Designer and I went to lunch with her. The Graphic Designer was wearing form fitting jeans which of course the Feminist Data Analyst noticed.

“Oh your butt is out to play,” she exclaimed.

“What do you mean?”

“Well I mean that if your butt stays sticking out like it, it won’t be a virgin butt for much longer.”

The Head of Marketing was very sad that we didn’t invite him along to lunch. He’s been wanting to bonedog the Feminist Data Analyst for a while although I think his cousin might get mad that he would fuck someone outside the family.

Lunch with the Feminist Data Analyst was a good time. Her new job is stressful and a lot of work which is sad but on the bright side she did stop a butterfly from being crushed by a car. She also talked about being our BFF, or Best Feminist Friend.

When we returned to work the Graphic Designer started cleaning up. He found a slew of stickers, some empty boxes, and a paper model of some onesies that the former Backend Engineer had elaborated constructed. The bottom of the onesie even clasped shut. It was some amazing origami.

In an effort to make the Head of Marketing’s life better we’ve ordered a voo doo doll. I am excited to stick pins in him on Monday.

Sadly the rubber chicken, our office mascot, has gone missing. The staff is drowning in grief. On Monday I’ll be putting up missing signs.

Halfway Hopes

The CEO didn’t come in today. He had a terrible headache. I think it was from all the gluten he was ingesting at lunch yesterday. He threw his diet overboard like Kate Winslet dumped Leo DiCaprio in James Cameron’s “Titanic.” The CEO did it with the same amount of remorse too — none.

The Real Estate agent and the new tenants did come in though. No one knows when they are moving in but it seems our moving out is coming quicker than we thought. The new tenants, a bunch of techie dorks, went around the office measuring, pointing, and brain storming future plans for the office. Little do they know that this office is haunted by a ghost. The ghost of start up failure. OOOOOoooohhh scary!

The Head of Marketing’s cousin came in again. She showed us her butt plug and stuck it on the wall. It stayed there for a minute before it fell on the ground. She then unceremoniously dumped it into her purse.

“It’s okay it has period blood on it anyways.”

I bought her some creamer for her tea. She affects an English Accent so she likes to have tea in the afternoons. She thanked me. I said it was okay because now the Head of Marketing would hold onto my leg while I had sex with her. Later the Head of Marketing agreed with me that anal sex didn’t count as sex. What counts is that the Head of Marketing will cry and that he will be holding onto my leg crying into my wispy, curly leg hair.

The Rubber Chicken decided to go on a walk with us today to Whole Foods. Here are some pictures of her at the local grocery.

Even chickens can't afford these prices

Even chickens can’t afford these prices

A cartoon comrade sells out.

A cartoon comrade sells out.

The Horror! The Horror! This is not organic free range lemon herb chicken!

The Horror! The Horror! This is not organic free range lemon herb chicken!

False. The chicken gave up hope halfway.

False. The chicken gave up hope halfway.

We were all saddened that the Chicken was unable to cross the road and come back to the office with us. Let us take a moment for her.

Hot spot

The last few days have been busy… actually no they haven’t but that hasn’t stopped me from bearing the emotional fatigue of going somewhere that I feel blasé about it.

The next door neighbors haven’t been sharing my uncaring attitude of late as the CEO has parked his second Mercedes Benz in their spot. Unable to open his car trunk (where he left his keys) for the last few days the CEO did what any CEO would do, roll out his bigger, more expensive, SUV into the company parking lot.

First the neighbors emailed me asking me who the second Benz belonged to. In my remedial proletariat life I’ve never encountered someone who had a Benz much less two so I replied that it was all a mystery. I finally figured out that only the CEO could be rich enough that he would have two Benz to park in too many spots. The neighbor and I went back and forth about parking spots for a bit.

____________________

Neighbor@neighbor.com
to Milton Waddams
ok, the mercedes will have to move then, asap.
currently Dumbjob has cars in #1-3.
thanks
_____________________
Milton Waddams <Milton@Dumbjob.com>
to Neighbor

Yeah we’ll move the mercedes as soon as we can.

Best.
_____________________
Neighbor@neighbor.com
to Milton Waddams
great, we’ll need it soon. our CEO is coming back from meetings, eta 15 min.
____________________
I did not respond to the neighbor’s email. I bet their CEO had to use street parking like a fucking peasant. I’m glad I was able to support my CEO’s laziness and inconsiderateness for a little while by not addressing an issue. Hurrah for the team productivity cheerleader.
These parking issues won’t be an issue for much longer as the realtor came in with papers for the CEO to sign. We’ve gotten out of our lease, but we have yet to find a place to move to. I imagine that we will move into the CEO’s parent’s pool house as he recently moved back into his house proper. He even took up his old room from high school.
“Was it nostalgic,” the Engineer asked him.
“Nah. I had all these garbage trophies in there. Like soccer participation trophies from the sixth grade. I got medals for just showing up. I wasn’t even that good,” the CEO said. I suppose the whole company is sort of like a trophy for the CEO. It’s just something that he got for showing up and it’s not because he’s that good.
On a positive note the fake fish, rubber chicken, and whoopie cushion came in that I’d ordered off Amazon. The whoopie cushion is quite large and makes an echoing flatulent sound when sat on.
IMG_9701IMG_9702

Achievement unlocked: Lackey Status!

The day started off well. The Head of Marketing got a new haircut and wasn’t wearing his shoes. I considered telling him about hook worms but then shrugged it off which made me feel good. Apathy at the workplace is happiness at home.

Evidently every day is bring your family to work day as the Head of Marketing brought his cousin in again today. She was relatively sedate although she did try to steal some grapes from me. I would have none of that and with ninja like reflexes stole them out of her hands. She was wondering what I thought about a website entitled climaxyourlife.com. I hope her desire for the little death ends in her own death.

The CEO has decided to go Euro on us and is considering outsourcing all of our work to peons in developing countries, mainly eastern Europe. He is excited about going abroad again on business trips. We will probably have to glue his hand to his phone that way we can reach him.

Amongst other productive decisions the CEO also decided to lock his keys in his trunk. That was a real bummer as his Mercedes Benz can’t be opened from the inside. He found this out after this awesome Cholo came to the office to unlock his car. The Cholo had long cut off dickies, a t-shirt, a hat, sunglasses, and a goatee. He also carried a bag that said “Door unlock.”

For lunch we went to some food trucks. It was a ton of fun waiting in line for specialty foods. Wazoo!

On the bright side we got to learn a great lesson about capitalism as I spotted a quarter on some cardboard.

“Hey that’s someone’s house,” the Office Lesbian said.

“Well they shouldn’t be so careless with their money,” I replied. “Capitalism is all about petty opportunism.”

“Agreed. If we can learn two things today it’s that Capitalism teaches us 1: Don’t be Homeless and 2: Don’t be poor.”

Hurray for not being Poor!!! Hurray!!

Not being poor doesn’t mean that I’m not a lackey. I found this out when the CEO asked me to print stuff out again. I waited til he wasn’t looking and printed it out on the printer a few feet from his desk- I do need job security after all.

In addition he made me bring some boxes to the post office. I guess being rich means that you don’t have to do mundane things anymore. I wonder if the CEO is so rich he doesn’t have to shit. I know he’s not rich enough that he doesn’t need keys.

Here comes the weekend! One more time- Hurray for not being POOR!!!

Productivity cycles

This morning I printed out a sheet for the CEO. He didn’t know if the printer upstairs was working or not. Which corresponds to his employees. He doesn’t know if they’re working or not.

That didn’t stop him from having an engaging discussion with the Engineer about productivity cycles.

“What time are you most productive? I feel I’m most productive in the afternoon. The entire morning I just feel like I’m warming up,” the CEO said.

The Engineer talked about focus cycles but mine had just ended so I didn’t hear what he said.

En route to afternoon coffee we continued our discussion of dancing from the previous day.

“I’d like to try salsa,” the Engineer said.

“Yeah it’s not hard and ladies love it. If you are a good dancer it doesn’t matter how busted you are,” I told him.

“True.”

“Salsa – it ain’t just for chips anymore!”

We went to an Art gallery after we all got non fat macchiatos that had shitty latte art. Gah!

“I think this show is better than the last one,” I said with a grand swipe of the arm. “We’re art critics now,” I continued after spilling a little of my Ecuadorian espresso onto the galley floor.

I purchased a rubber fish for the office that way we can slap each other in the face with it. I also decided to get a rubber chicken and a whoopie cushion.

The Head of Marketing’s cousin came in today. I asked if the Head of Marketing would hold my hand while I had sex with his cousin. He said no. I asked if he would hold my legs. He didn’t answer.

His cousin sat downstairs working on their new dance cult project. After a while the Graphic Designer and I decided to fuck with the downstairs sound system. We blared the music really loud and then turned it off. The Graphic Designer couldn’t stop laughing as we tortured the cousin. He ended up putting on Tiny Tim, Death Metal and Lamar all on at the same time.

Contractor killer

The Graphic Designer brought in his hover board to work today. It’s this little scooter thing that you balance on and it saves you the terrible burden of walking. Humans certainly didn’t evolve over millions of years to walk, they evolved that way machines could walk for them.

The contraption was pretty fun and everyone had a good time trying it out. It was a bit hard to get a hang of but soon everyone was taking turns cruising around. When I got on it I felt like a ghostly Technophile Fuhrer out to strangle low level employees. I cruised around the office with my arms stretched out yearning for fresh flesh to choke out.

The Office Lesbian got on it and was having a good time until she tried to get off. She stepped off and her feet flew up in the air. She fell on her ass with a loud thud. It was funny because she didn’t get hurt.

Things have been getting stressful here now that we have a real deadline. We need our product out by Friday so things are getting down to the wire.

“What are some of the main obstacles to accomplishing our goal,” The CEO asked the Engineer.

“Uh getting shit done,” the Engineer replied.

One of the contractor’s dropped the ball on basically doing everything. The CEO has decided to shit can on him but first I get to go out and kill him! The contractor lives in Nebraska so I am going to the midwest. I promised everyone that I would send back cans for corn from the corn eating heart of America.

Because the Male Data Analyst hasn’t been showing up for work we’ve decided to sacrifice him to the tech Gods in order to give us the strength to outsource our labor and have our project complete so that we can go out and have a fancy dinner. We decided that the Graphic Designer would chase him down with the scooter and then we would ambush him. We’ll probably have to use the conch shell to bludgeon him, or maybe we could use the old business cards of ex employees. We can papercut him to death. There are a gazillion ex business cards. Maybe we can have a funeral for the Male Data Analyst and make a collage of the old business cards at the same time. Fun!

Lunch was a lot of fun today and we all got Chipotle. We sat out in the sun and had a good time. We talked about techno music and what our preferred weapon was. The Graphic Designer revealed that he was a former professional paintballer player. I hope he doesn’t go postal on us.

When we returned to the office I saw the Head of Marketing putting droplets of some chemical into his glass of water.

“What are you putting in your water,” I asked the shoeless Head of Marketing.

“It’s a vaccine.”

A vaccine? Is there some sort of sickness. Are you trying to kill us all via biochemical warfare!?”

“No. It’s just to make me healthy.”

“You being healthy means that everyone else is sick,” I exclaimed.

Fifteen minutes later I huddled everyone together into the conference room and told them that we had to kill the head of marketing.

I wonder what we will have for lunch tomorrow. I’m sure killing everyone is gonna eat up a lot of calories.

\

Well, I’ve been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord

The weekend is over and a new week has begun. That doesn’t mean that the CEO has done his laundry though. He came in dressed in business attire because he hasn’t gotten a chance to do his laundry yet which is good and bad. The good: his slacks and business shirt make him look slim. The bad: he looks like a douchebag. He also had to tie his penny loafers while on the way to lunch.

The weekend was pretty exciting for everyone. The Graphic Designer went to a concert, I went to a show, and the Head of Marketing finger blitzed his cousin/girlfriend into the 7th realm of heaven.

The Engineer went out dancing over the weekend but he had a lot questions about how exactly to dance. As the office cheerleader and dance enthusiast I suggested he dagger. I explained to get on a ladder and then dive into the hopefully wanting, hopefully waiting arms of a nice lady. I also suggested he approach women by saying “Yo Girl.”

The Graphic Designer with his normal amount of sagacity suggested he just stick to a simple “white boy sway.”

The CEO thought daggering sounded like a great time and suggested it as a chain of workout classes. Potential pivot in effect!

It was also suggested that he pay attention to what type of music it was. You don’t neccessarily want to be waiting for the beat drop on Phil Collins even though Phil Collins is sick.

The Office Lesbian meanwhile didn’t get much rest over the weekend.

“My roommate went to jackhammering at 4 in the morning,” the Office Lesbian said. “There wasn’t anything I could do about it. I mean at that time of night you need to be having Kenny G love making.”

The Office Lesbian’s housemates not only jack hammer their pelvic uglies together but also are getting really into some sort of positive thought cult. The Office Lesbian would have none of their bullshit PMA.

Before we went out to lunch I blew the conch shell as a call to productivity!

We went to some salad place for lunch which everyone has been liking a lot. I cut in front of the Graphic Designer and the Office Lesbian inline. They didn’t say anything and I felt really good about it so I rewarded myself with a brownie! Yum!

The CEO asked me to do my job today. I had to write up a report of some sort. I had no idea what he was fucking talking about but luckily I was able to hand it off to the Office Lesbian who saved my ass via fabrication – further proof that work is one big lie and further reinforcement that behind every man is a woman who actually does his job.

Evidently if “we” finish up a big project by the end of the week the company is gonna go out to some fancy dinner on the CEO. Woo hoo! I really hope that the Engineer and all the contractors pull through for us because the rest of us aren’t doing shit.

Along with thinking about fancy dinners and drinking on the CEO’s dime I also listened to a lot of Phil Colllins. I am ready to take on the world!

A Return A Departure

I went to work despite my weariness although this time my lethargy wasn’t just emotional it was physical. I was quite excited to go on a building tour with the rest of my coworkers and got up bright and early at 11 am to meet them at 11:30. Alas when I got to the building there my coworkers were not to be found. Instead an Asian man let me into the building. He nervously talked while showing me around the office. He called it a loft because it had high ceilings. He also said it was cozy because it was actually stuffy. The tour was especially disappointing because on my arrival a delivery guy was walking upstairs with a stack of warm pizza but I couldn’t smell it. I couldn’t smell anything. My nose must have been broken.

After I made it to the office and gave everyone a lackluster report back we all went to lunch – the CEO included! Evidently he’d lost his phone somewhere in Europe and had found the experience so liberating that he decided he wouldn’t contact anyone from work for the rest of his vacation. Despite having gone to Europe when I prodded him for more detail he came up empty. Evidently he just sat on the beach and drank bottles of cheap wine although he and his friends did get a drone that they flew out in the mornings to see which beach would best suit a few young winos.

“Do you still have bed bugs,” I asked him with genuine concern.

“No. My mom called pest control and the guy couldn’t find any. Before I left I set up a trap like the Engineer suggested and nothing was caught. So I guess I don’t have any,” he replied.

I was conflicted about his lack of bed bugs. On one hand I am glad that he didn’t have them. Bed bugs are an atrocity. They are annoying and disgusting. On the other hand he is my boss and as someone who makes four times what I do and will probably be rich his entire life I would like to see him suffer a little like us mensch.

The Head of Marketing ditched out on lunch to feast with his cousin. Evidently his cousin also happens to be his girlfriend. Which is weird. I guess the sex cult is more like a sex family.

During lunch at this Shabu place, which was a new experience for most at the table, we watched some Maury Povich! The talk show episode was titled “Did My Girlfriend Cheat On Me With Another Girl!?” The guests, or contestants, or whatever they were, were hooked up to lie detectors to see if they were good enough at passing polygraphs or if they had a side piece.

“It’s infidelity,” the Graphic Designer commented on the moral implications of the actions of the Girlfriend getting her side swerve on.

“It’s fine,” the Office Lesbian said, further eroding the sanctity of heteronormative life.

“It’s dopamine,” the CEO exclaimed referring to a TED talk he’d based the company on.

We talked about Virtual Porn and the implications of cheating on one’s partner with a robot.

It was the Feminist Data Analyst’s last day so she came in for 30 minutes and returned her computer.  I was sad to see her go but on her way out she gave me a ride home. We passed by a particularly enthusiastic SF resident which made me feel better about myself. Hey the world is a shit pit but at least I’m not as depressed as this guy!? – He probably needs more dopamine.

depression

Free the Nip Fridays

The broken toilet was fixed today. The Janitorial staff had left  a note that the throne had been cleaned and disinfected. It was some shitty work done by invisible people. I’d say thank you but I don’t even know who they are. I’ve also noticed that mysteriously the garbage is always taken out on Mondays and Wednesdays. How does that work? It’s a miracle! 

The new conch shell has been a hit at the office.

“I’ve decided as cheerleader of productivity that I’m going to blow the conch everytime we as a company do something successful,” I said to my coworkers after spitting into the rumbling snail coffin.

“You might as well throw it away,” the Graphic Designer said.

During lunch the Graphic Designer posed an interesting question. “What hobby or activity would you pursue if you had more time but you are just not willingly pursuing now.”

The Head of Marketing thought for a while. “I want to be a memory champion.”

“What? You can’t even remember your keys,” I told him.

“Well memory champions can remember long series of numbers, like Pi. I could remember 300 numbers at one point.”

“Really? How about you remember 8?”

We made up 8 random numbers for him. He repeated them back to us. Then we added on 8 more. He spit them back at us like a 70s computer. We were all impressed. We suggested that he start memorizing people’s routing and account numbers for white collar crime.

The Feminist Data Analyst came in today. She bought some pepperoni pizza that smelled disgusting and ended up semi nude, wearing only her underoos and bundling up her shirt to show off more of her body karate. Her new job starts on Monday. I am not sure how they will feel about her Free the Nip Friday movement that has been routine at the office but we all will miss her.

On my way home from work I got into a bike accident. I was almost hit by a car. Sadly I wasn’t so I’ll have to go back to work at some point.

The Conch Shell sings

“Are you on your way to work,” the Head of Marketing said to me as I plunged through the tunnel connecting the bay.

“Yeah. Why?”

“I forgot my key.”

“Well I’ll be there in 15 minutes.”

“Okay cool,” he said.

He texted me a minute later- “Let me know when you are five minutes away.”

I did not text him back. I did however have a bowl of cereal which upset the Graphic Designer who couldn’t find the almond milk.

Evidently it was “Bring Your Bitch To Work Day” as the Head of Marketing brought his girlfriend into work.

“She had to come to work with me. She needed to take a shit,” the Head of Marketing said. “Also we live together! We moved into my parents pool house!”

The girlfriend made a b – line to the bathroom which later went kaput. As Office Manager I should call a plumber but as someone that is lazy I have not.

The Head of Marketing and his girlfriend spent the day working on their new business, a sober night time rave. The Graphic Designer suggested they tap into the Christian market.

At lunch today we discussed cults and what constituted a cult.

“Everything is a cult,” the Head of Marketing said justifying his cult lifestyle.

The Graphic Designer also fed some pigeons some bread. The Office Lesbian was upset about it because the second time he just threw a piece of plastic at them.

“You’re teasing them, you’re being a douchebag,” she said.

“No. If I was feeding them alka seltzer I’d be a douchebag because then they would literally explode.”

The Head of Marketing sided with the Graphic Designer. I remained indifferent.

The Office Lesbian revealed that she had pet insects as a child including a few cockroaches. When she pet them they hummed.

The Head of Marketing took off his shirt and shoes during lunch. He also walked around the office barefoot. He asked me if I was self conscious about my feet.

The CEO is still missing. The Feminist Data Analyst’s resignation has not been accepted yet because he’s been MIA.

The Conch Shell came in so now we can go Lord of the Flies in the office. I was disappointed that the Office Lesbian could play the conch very well but I took the conch away from her so now I have all the power anyways.