UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!!!
I went in like any normal day and like any normal day I didn’t do anything. I got into work and packed up a few things and took a few company shirts for posterity and to give my roommate for her rat cage. Rats love to piss on start up apparel. It gives the core a stronger value prop.
The Head of Marketing and his cousin came in and believe it or not the Head of Marketing did indeed have a severe sun burn. I was actually quite surprised. Most of the skin on the back of his upper thighs was the same red as his muscle. I’m pretty sure that he burnt off at least three layers of his skin. There was even a patch of skin that had what looked like 3rd degree burn. Ouch.
The Head of Marketing said he’d go to lunch with us but mysteriously disappeared. I assume that he had to build more connections for his sober day rave which went surprisingly well as they had their first event over the weekend. No one from work went. Everyone forgot.
Lunch was nice. We sat in a park and the Part Time Accountant came. I bought him lunch with company money and we all enjoyed some sandwiches and a delightful conversation about the best high school drug.
Some argued for ketamine although k holes were generally looked down on and while others enjoyed nitrous/whip its and the joys of huffing detractors felt like their brain was melting while inhaling the euphoria.
It was revealed that the CEO hadn’t told the Part Time Accountant that I’d been laid off. So I maybe collecting salary for an eternity! Hurrah!
We decided to call it a day around 4pm after a long lunch and enjoyed a few beers before we went out to the strip club for my last hurrah. The Head of Marketing decided not to go because his cousin couldn’t go because she freaks out around alcohol. I wonder if she noticed us drinking. We fondly said farewell and exited the office.
The walk to the strip club didn’t take that long and I was surprised that the whole crew went, well sans the CEO (out of office on “business”), The Head of Marketing and the Cousin. The Graphic Designer wasn’t into the idea of commodified sexuality- he prefers his commodities a bit more frigid.
The Part Time Accountant really started things off when he bought everyone a round of drinks. People started to get excited about the ass and titties, ass, ass, and titties. Although the Graphic Designer pretended to be sullen for a little while. The Part Time Accountant became friends with one worker who had a squeaky voice. The dancer gave the Graphic Designer a lap dance. He looked pretty ungrateful the entire time although did smack the dancer’s butt when prompted.
The Office Lesbian found herself in paradise and ran her hands all over one nice lady who gave her a lap dance. The Office Lesbian acted like a horny 14 year old boy. Fun was had by all.
We all love the club drunk and it quite a celebratory mood. When I woke up the next day I had a message from the CEO.
He said no to my request for a severance package but did say he would go to Burning Man with me next year! Which is a basically a drug filled fist bump.
I don’t know why I went to work but I did. I assume it’s like like having amnesia. You do something and you don’t know why, you forgot why, but you did it anyway.
The CEO was gone. I assume he didn’t want to face my class resentment. The Engineer and the Office Lesbian didn’t come in today although the Office Lesbian did let me know that there was a skunk outside of her room. She was hates the skunk but the skunk lives under her house. I guess with the raising cost of rent no one appreciates squatters. After a little while the Office Lesbian let me know that she liked the skunk. She named the animal “Flower.”
The Graphic Designer was the only one in today. He didn’t know why he came into work. I can’t remember if he has amnesia or not. He did help me move the office equipment though. I rented a uhaul truck and drove it to the office. At the truck rental place a bunch of Latino dudes hit me up for work. I wish I could have helped them with the ins and outs of resume building for retarded tech companies. I could only wish they could have had the same opportunities to be lazy and get paid too much like the rest of us white people but society just wasn’t built that way. So, so, so sad.
While the Graphic Designer and I moved in our next door neighbor stopped by.
“Oh, are you guys moving out,” she asked.
“Yeah. Our CEO has decided he wants to get an Air Bnb until we can stay in a penthouse apartment. He’s sort of an idiot.”
“Well it’s hard to be the CEO.”
“Yeah but why would you have the guy that you just laid off moving your shit unsupervised? I mean I’m a nice guy but I’m not that nice.”
“Yeah that does seem like some poor management decisions.” I gave her some chocolate and a can of orange soda. She said her work space mainly had green tea. I felt bad for her but giving her some snacks made me feel good.
I decided to be even more neighborly so I packed up a couple bags of vodka, bloody mary mix, beer, orange soda, nuts, fancy ice, and some company swag and walked to the nearby homeless shelter. I gave out the supplies to some nice homebums. They really appreciated it and everyone liked their new t shirts a bunch! They asked me if I had any cash, phones, or jeans as well but unfortunately the CEO didn’t have any laying around to give out. Waaah…
Giving back to the poor really made me feel good. I was really riding an emotional high so I decided to tell the cousin how I felt about her. She asked me once what I would do to her after I told her that the Head of Marketing said it was okay for me to have sex with her. So I sent her a facebook message – after I defriended the Head of Marketing:
“When you asked the other day what I wanted to do to you I had to think for a while. I thought, I pondered, I fantasized and now I have an answer. I would like you to come to the office wearing a sheperd’s shawl. You will wear bright red lipstick, thigh high stockings and a butt plug. You will enter the office before the Head of Marketing and come immediately to my desk where I will be seated. You will move to be in front of me and bend over so that your breasts kiss the cold wood of the desk. I will tower behind you. Your naked ass will perch in the air and I will begin to spank you. You will bite your lip at first. Then you will squirm, and then you moan. The Head of Marketing will watch. You will scream ‘I’m a bad girl, I’m a bad girl, I’m such a bad girl.’ The skin on your ass would be mottled purple and red. The cheeks of your face and of your cherry bottom will blush with excitement. The Head of Marketing will begin to cry. Then I will take a jar of peanut butter out. I will unscrew the cap and feed you a spoonful. You will swallow it, relish it, love it. You haven’t had peanut butter in such a long time. It tastes so good. You’ve been denying yourself the gooey richness of peanut butter because of the Head of Marketing’s deathly allergy. Now though you want it. You don’t care about him. You swallow. You swallow it because good girls swallow and you want to be a good girl. You would lick your nutty lips over and over. I would feed you another spoonful and you would play with the peanut butter letting it drool out your mouth. Then the Head of Marketing would say ‘I’ve been a very bad boy.'”
She replied an hour or two later and said “Thank you.”
It was a good day and the Graphic Designer and I shared a beer to top of the day.
The escalator was broken. I walked up it anyways. I wanted it to work. I wanted to let the gliding mechanics of advanced capitalism deliver me from the subway station onto the street that way I could get to work a little more rested. Also I walked up the escalator because there was a homeless person taking a nap on the steps. I didn’t want to wake them. Who likes being roused from their morning siesta!?
I came in today and there was no one here but the Graphic Designer. The CEO left me a few boxes to bring to the mail. I suppose I’m still good for a few things. I think he didn’t want to see me.
The one on one yesterday didn’t go well. The CEO and I sat down in the small conference room.
“So there’s not any real work for you. I think it best if we drop you down to hourly. There’s only a few hours of work in a week for you anyways.”
I let a small amount of drool drip out the corner of my mouth. Would the CEO demote and lay off someone who was having a stroke?
“I mean we love you here but there’s no work for you. If there is ever a position open here we’d much rather have you than some dumb blonde.”
The old office manager was blonde. I didn’t think she was dumb. I sort of liked her. If she still worked at the office I would have let her borrow my stapler.
“So I think your last day will be next week. We’ll have you do some moving stuff….”
My spittle fell onto the office table.
I zoned out. He was laying me off. He would lay me off even if I was having a stroke. He didn’t care if I was a blonde or not. If I was dumb or smart. What mattered was an economic imperative. I let my eyes glaze over and thought of the happy times I’d had at the office.
At some point the meeting ended. He didn’t give me a fist bump.
I came to and walked upstairs. I told people that I was going to be let go.
I left work early.
The Engineer was mad at internet feminists this morning. He foamed at the mouth for a few minutes and spat out some angry diatribes on Facebook. Evidently he won’t be attending his high school reunion anytime soon.
The Graphic Designer asked the Engineer when we would be moving.
“I don’t know,” the Engineer replied.
“What!? You are the right hand man. You are the Goebbels to the CEO’s Hitler,” the Graphic Designer replied.
The CEO had an important lunch meeting to go to so we had lunch at some fancy wine place. We talked about our adolescent sexual experiences. I wish I had could have contributed but I had nothing to talk about. Womp womp.
Evidently the Office Lesbian talked about terrible closeted girls that she banged. Despite the wonderful orgasms some women were so shameful of their sexuality that they would leave the Office Lesbian notes about their inability to ever see her again. It made us all a little sad so we drank some more. Then we remembered we had to go back to work so we drank even more. There is the shame of desire and there is the shame of labor. What a sick sad world we live in.
Today was the Graphic Designer’s birthday! Huzzah! I went to Safeway and got him an ice cream cake. The Office Lesbian drew a stick figure snowboarding on a penis for him. It was a wonderful design.
“Ice Cream makes everything better,” the CEO said.
The four of us in office, the Office Lesbian, the Engineer, the Graphic Designer and I had one on ones with the CEO today. One of us lost our jobs. The ice cream cake did not make anything better.
I emerged from the subway like a booger out of a child’s running nose with the same level of exuberance. I looked to my right and there was the Feminist Data Analyst with her scooter. She looked left, she looked right, she looked left again, but mainly she looked confused.
“Hey,” I yelled.
“Oh hey Milton. How are you?” She rode her scooter over five feet to meet me.
“I’m good. What’s up with you?”
“I can’t remember where 5th street is. Is it in front or behind us? I usually get out at another exit.”
“Well that’s 4th right there.” I pointed to the visible street sign. “So 5th is behind us.”
“Oh right. I’m going to be late to work. I have to be there at 10.”
“Yes. Yes you are.” It was five after ten.
“See ya!” She scooted off in the other direction.
I shrugged. She reminded me of a stoned White Rabbit from Alice and Wonderland.
When I walked in there was no one in the office… well no one but the CEO. He sat at the head desk in the communal row that we all share. I considered immediately turning tail. There is nothing as frightening as being alone with the CEO. He will bore me to death with business speak.
He waved at me. I couldn’t leave now I thought to myself. I sat down. I began a day of work. Sigh.
I had lunch with another office worker from another company. His name is Elliot. He likes hoodies, heroin, and animal husbandry. He has a beard, icelandic blue eyes, and enjoys talking about the revolutionary aspects of the internets. Today he went on a tirade while we at Whole Foods about privilege.
“I don’t get why people are poo pooing privilege so much. I mean I understand you are resentful that you weren’t born rich. That sucks, really. Who wants to be some hunch backed jerk off cleaning toilets or making sandwiches for people like me,” he said while we were in line getting gluten free sandwiches. “But it’s totally unreasonable to ask people like me not to take advantage of their privilege. Every time I take food from here without paying for it I expose capital as it is – a wonderful system that is great for people like me. In addition when I take things when I want them I show that the system is flawed. The po po should be looking at people like me but instead they glare at the hunchbacks like idiots. God this sandwich is good.”
Eliot didn’t steal my sandwich but he did steal two beers! He didn’t share either of them though. Womp womp.
The Head of Marketing didn’t come in. Evidently he was so sunburnt that he was immobile. He fell asleep in the sun for five hours.
“I look like a lobster” he texted.
“I don’t believe you.” I replied.
“Dude!! I fell asleep in the sun for 5 hours!! 5 hours!!”
“Were you wearing your shoes? Also the Office Lesbian falls asleep in the sun all the time. She came to work.”
“5 hours you fool.”
He refused to send pictures of his sunburnt skin. We don’t believe in his excuses. On the plus side it is proof that my voo doo spells are working! Earlier in the week I broke out the doll and cast the following spell:
pain and suffering until you are nice to me.
but for now you burn and toss and turn.
Until you are pleasant you will learn
the harshness of the sunburn
And we wait for the pleasantry
Then this curse indeed mote it be.
The Head of Marketing didn’t come in today. I think it’s because of my voo doo curse! I am really hoping that my zit spell made him have to stay home with a jar of Clearasil.
With the Head of Marketing and his cousin out, the office seemed pretty mellow. The Office Lesbian took advantage of the calm to use her superior markmanship to pin a dart on the blade of a moving fan. She used a small nerf gun to affix the fan blade with a small suction headed dart. It was really impressive and we were all wowed that it only took her two shots to hit the blade. She’s basically the Annie Oakley of our office.
The weekend still lingered on. The Office Lesbian went to church this weekend and brought the air of religion with her.
“Jews make morals fun,” she exclaimed. “No really, morals are fun guys.”
“I suppose we must all bear crosses in our live, and morality is the one you must carry,” I said with a sigh.
“Jews don’t bear crosses,” she retorted.
I nodded and we shelved the question of morals as something that we probably wouldn’t bother with ever again.
The CEO came in late today. He was going to get up early and go exercise but “fuck it,” he’d said with an air piercing chortle.
“Hey do you know where that tester phone is,” the Office Lesbian asked the CEO.
“Oh. I took it then I lost it,” the CEO replied.
“Uh…” the Office Lesbian said. “I think we will need another one.”
“Sure. When does the new iphone come out guys,” the CEO asked.
The CEO took his losing his phone with a fair amount of aplomb. I guess when you lose it all the time it’s not a big deal anymore.
The Graphic Designer spent some time making insulting memes of things the CEO said. We are considering selling the memes as a way to crowdfund the CEO getting a new phone.
The Engineer is very excited because we got fancy ice cubes. We also obtained other instruments for making bougy cocktails. I am excited to get classy wasted at work.
The cousin came in again. I tried to ignore her. On our way out for lunch we brainstormed potential positions should could fulfill.
“How about she become our new Security guard,” the CEO said.
“I don’t know if she would really be able to stop anyone from doing anything,” the Graphic Designer said.
“Yeah she would basically let anyone into the building,” I said.
“Well look at how the Head of Marketing is kept reigned in though,” the Engineer replied.
We all conceded that the cousin does indeed wear the pants in the family. We may end up hiring her for security after all.
For lunch we went to a fancy Mexican restaurant. The CEO had a phone call to take so came inside a little after the rest of us. There was a spot next to the Graphic Designer for the CEO to take. The Graphic Designer looked bummed as the CEO only talks about business during hangout sessions. The CEO regaled us today with his entrepreneurial skills. When he was in high school he would buy iphones and sell them overseas. He even cooked up a scam so he could get free shipping. He made $150 off each phone which is pretty good for a kid in high school. I’m not sure his skills followed him after school though. When the Engineer asked him what he did with the money he replied that he invested the money into the market.
The Engineer had to do some in house interviews today. A handful of bland ass dudes came in and the Engineer introduced us all to them. He skipped over my job title, “office lackey.”
The Graphic Designer shook hands with some of the new interviewees today. He stayed seated. Later he regretted his potential breech of civil conduct.
“I probably should have stood when I shook their hands,” he said. “Actually fuck it I’m glad I stayed seated.”
I stayed seated as well. I didn’t give it one thought.
The Office Lesbian has an impressive musical memory. We turned on the office jukebox and as normal she sang along with every single song that was played. Her lyrical lexicon ranges from Incubus to 4 Non Blondes to Le Tigre and Skid Row. I was very impressed as I can only remember the lyrics to Nickelback songs.
The cousin came in again today. Luckily she kept to herself and napped on the sofa.
The Head of Marketing has been recruiting a swarm of Euro Trash from the far east for our new product. The Engineer has had to field tons of interviews with unibrowed Euros who love swimming in the ocean.
There is much excitement about potentially going to eastern europe!
The CEO didn’t come in today until the late afternoon. He was busy reviewing his Bavarian Porn. I assume his wrist will be really tired tomorrow. Poor guy.
My voo doo spell from yesterday didn’t work out that well. The Head of Marketing had ZERO new zits. I may have to give up on black magik… or redouble my efforts.
The Office Lesbian did end up seeing someone rooting in the trash later. She asked me to help her out as she was a little nervous. It ended up being the Head of Marketing.
He was digging up material to make a sign for his new start up.
This morning I got up bright and early to recover the CEO’s hard drive full of Bavarian porn. He’s going full bore on his plan to expand to an Eastern European office and so was in need of his Euro Trash spank bank to be fixed asap. I picked up the hard drive and put the costs on the company card.
When I got into the office the Head of Marketing and his cousin were emerging from the bathroom while buckling their belts. I didn’t walk into the bathroom but I can only assume there was a bit of spazz spazz spazzing.
The cousin’s presence is becoming a bit of an annoyance as she doesn’t really add much to the office. She also has repulsive table manners.
“You know what I like,” I asked during lunch. “Table manners.”
“You know what I like,” she replied while scooping a large limp piece of butterleaf lettuce into her mouth, “eating with my hands.”
She took a moment from chewing the cud to make fun of my skin art.
“And at least I don’t have dumb tattoos,” she said as a stream of salmon salad sewage drooled out her mouth.
I didn’t go into depths about the importance and sacredness of my tribal barbed wire tattoos that I got in a sacred temple at the mall but I may have to help instill a No Family policy at the office soon.
The Rubber Chicken is still missing which is sad because we may relocate to a penthouse apartment soon. The Rubber Chicken will never find its way home. There is some discussion and much overlooking about the legalities of our move.
The Voo Doo doll that I got off of Amazon came in today. It’s a bit disappointing as it only comes with positive spells. There is one for love, one to give meaning for dreams and even one for successful business. Basically they are bullshit spells. There’s not even a weak ass magic missile spell in them.
I spent a fair amount of time researching spells and came up with a spell to give the Head of Marketing acne. I stole a piece of hair off the Head of Marketing and affixed it to the voo doo doll and then went to the bathroom where I turned off the lights and repeated the incantation of:
Pools of oil
and greasy pits
cover this boy in a million zits
I will check his skin tomorrow to see if it worked.
I fear that the voo doo came back to me in bad computer karma as I came down with a computer virus today. I spent a while getting rid of it. It was more annoying and not nearly as pleasurable as a STD.